After defeating Ganon and sealing him within the Sacred Realm with the help of the Seven Sages, Link was sent back in time by Princess Zelda to live a normal childhood. But what if she never sent him back? What if he continued to live in the time period in which he defeated Ganon?
Our story begins with Link after he receives an urgent telepatic message from the Princess, 5 monthes after the deafeat of the Dark Lord...
Link learns about the Lost TriforceEdit
Link sets out for Hyrule Castle after Zelda sends him a telepathic message to meet her there. So he sets off, and after evading the Castle guards, he meets her in the courtyard, like in Ocarina of Time. Zelda tells Link of a dream she had about the Triforce having another part, and Ganondorf taking it, so he can rule the world (wow Murch, really creative).
Zelda also tells him the legend of there being a fourth God who helped create Hyrule, only he created mayhem and mischief, so the Goddesses banished him to a parallel dimension. They then broke his part of the Triforce in 3 pieces, and hid them in very discrete places (aka- Big temples and dungeons that no one has ever cared to enter). Zelda gives Link a map she found while exploring Hyrule Castle that reveals the locations of the hiding places. Link then sets off to find these pieces of the Lost Triforce before Ganon.
After Link exits the castle, he runs into Navi, and she decides to accompany him on his adventure. After pointing out obvious things and making high pitched sounds, Link gets frustrated with Navi, shoves her in a bottle, fills it with rocks, and throws it in Lake Hylia. Link is now much more confident in himself, since he doesn't have to do anything a stupid fairy says.
The Forest Temple (jr.)Edit
Link heads to the first location on the map, a second temple in the forest, which the Nintendo developers neglected to put in the series. Link enters the temple, soon realizing that it will be hard to navigate through the temple with all of its maze like corridors. Link eventually comes to a room that looks a lot like an arena. Suddenly, the spirits of the dead Poe Sisters (yes, this is possible. Ghosts CAN come back from being dead after their spirits are killed) appear and attack Link. After a long, convuluded fight, Link wins, and a chest appears in the center of the room, in which is the Boomerang (dah dah dah daaaaaaaaaaah!!!). Link then exits the room, and goes through more puzzles concerning the Boomerang.
Finally, Link comes upon a room with a giant stone chest in the center of it. Inscribed upon the chest is the phrase, "Say the Magic Words". Link thinks back to his Terminian adventure, and vaguely remembers a 40-year old insane man dressed in green. Link says "Tingle Tingle Kooloo-Limpah!" and the chest opens, revealing a golden shard of the Lost Triforce. Suddenly, Tingle runs into the room, yelling at Link for stealing his magic words. He takes the fragment of the Triforce (at this point, a subtitle reads Incredibly Retarded 40-year old Man: Tingle) and proceeds to beat Link with his pink triangle sign.
Link then takes out the Boomerang, and throws it. It hits Tingle, and he drops the piece of the Triforce (the easiest boss in all history). Link proceeds to hold it over his head with his mouth open for 10 seconds.
Link gets (another) companionEdit
So Link decides to go to the nearest location on his map. As he travels, a harsh thunderstorm hits, and he is forced to take shelter in a cave. Inside the cave, he meets a very familiar old man.
"It's dangerous to go alone! Take this," the man says as he gives Link a kitten. Link wants to protest, but because it is the game's tradition for him to be a mute (aside from battle cries and what-not), he can only accept the small cat.
After the storm subsides, Link brings the cat to a hill that is out of sight from the cave. He releases the cat, thinking it is no use to him what-so-ever.
The Carnival of DoomEdit
Link arrives at the next hiding place of the Triforce, which happens to be a great carnival. It's not the good kind of carnival, though, for it is filled with a mess of sideshow freaks that all look like Britany Spears (the horror!!!). Link proceeds to meander through the freakish circus trying to find some sort of sign of the Triforce, all the while avoiding the bald, bearded ladies.
Suddenly, Link comes across a game of skill that looks quite interesting. The Manager says that if Link can best the skill game known as "The Temple of Memories", he will recieve a golden shard thingy (he has to play for 20 rupees though). Link accepts, thinking that he will be able to get through. Alas, 160 ruppees later, Link cannot get through. The Temple uses illusions to make the player's worst memories come to life (in Link's case, Ganon, Vaati, and grape juice (don't ask)). After Link spends all his money, he searches for more, but is suddenly pulled into a dark corner. A shadowy figure wrapped in a dark cloak tells Link, "The secret to the game is to have a cat. They are somehow impervious to the illusions."
Link feels retarded at this point, trying to remember if he was smoking anything before he let that cat go. Seeing that Link has no kitten, the strange man gives Link what looks to be the Eye of Truth. When Link puts it on though, all he can see are walls all around him. IT'S THE EYE OF LIES!!!! The man corrects his mistake by giving Link the real Eye of Truth. Link finds 20 ruppees, plays the game, and wins the Triforce. The mysterious man disappears afterwards
The last location is at Lake Hylia, where Link had thrown Navi into in the first subtitle. He could have just dived down there before he entered the Forest Temple, but this way is more roundabout and easier for the author to add twists. So Link dove down into the Lake to the Water Temple (because it was so big and difficult to navigate through before, there is bound to be a room he didn't go through). After much searching, Link happens upon another large room with a chest in it. As Link reaches out towards the chest, he notices a small, broken bottle in the corner of the room. Suddenly, in a flash, Link is knocked back, and sees Navi hovering over the open chest with the last shard. Navi swallows it, and grows 100 times her size. Link proceeds to fight Navi, and since she can't resist giving hints to Link on all of her weak points, she is easily defeated.
Ganon: The ReturnEdit
As Link takes the 3 shards of the final triforce and fits them together, a dark figure appears in the room. It materializes into Ganondwarf (yes, Ganondwarf. Being trapped in the Sacred Realm for a long time really takes a toll on one's height).
"We meet again Link," he utters, "I will be taking that Triangle of Infinite Power now."
Due to Link being unable to speak, he decides to attack the small villain head on. Alas, Ganondwarf still has the Triforce of Power, and Link is knocked back. The Dark Lord then takes the Lost Triforce, and snaps Link's sword in half. Link blacks out.
The Last Shadow of Hyrule Edit
Link wakes up to find a strange man dressed in black standing over him. The man looks familiar, as if Link knows him (read the section on the Carnival of Doom if you have no idea where this guy came in). The man speaks.
"I bet you are wondering who I am. I am the final one who had sworn loyalty to the royal family in the time of the Great Civil War. I am the Last Shadow of Hyrule. The end of the Shiekah blood-line. I am.... Chuck."
(he grimaces because he obviously ruined how cool he looked from before).
"I have come to help you defeat the Dark Lord Ganon. The Lost Triforce harnessed the power of mayhem and irony to cause chaos. The 4th God laughed at the world, and was banished for his wrong doings. The Gods destroyed his fragment of the Triforce. There is an old Sheikah legend that speaks of a sword that was used to break the Lost Triforce into 3, but before we seek it out, you must meet some one," Chuck marks something on Link's map. "Go here. You will meet with some one who will give you the information you need on your quest."
Link sets off.
The Cave With A Name That Is Too Horrible To MentionEdit
Link journeys to the center of Hyrule, where he finds a cave. Outside the cave is a sign that reads, "The Cave With A Name That Is Too Horrible To Mention (enter at your own risk)". Link enters the cave, armed with his shard of a sword. Once inside, Link overcomes many tough obstacles (involving pits of snakes, walls that shoot arrows, and giant spikes). After awhile, Link acquires the items of the dungeon: a whip and a brown hat. Link eventually comes to a chamber, in the middle of which is a skull upon a pedestal. Link replaces the skull with a carefully weighted bag of sand. The bag of sand sinks into the pedestal, and Link immediatly runs. A boulder drops from the ceiling, and Link runs towards the entrance. As he runs, he sees a filmcrew and Harrison Ford, running from the same boulder.
Link makes it out of the cave alive, clutching the skull in his hand. He quickly tosses away the brown hat, for he realizes it's not his style.
I am the Fourth God!Edit
He takes the skull back to Chuck in Kakariko Village. Chuck takes the skull and sprinkles a strange substance on it. The skull begins to speak:
"I am the dead skull of the 4th God! Creator of chaos and cruel irony! Master of the Last Triforce!"
Chuck begins to speak, "O Great God of Hyrule! We wish to know about your great fragment!"
"My piece of the Triforce is the most powerful! It can topple kingdoms! Destroy lands! Send Heroes into states of madness! It is the Triforce of.....(drumroll)..... Comedy!"
"After my piece of the Triforce was destroyed, Comedy became the lowest form of entertainment in the world! The Gods of Drama and Action arose, and left my body to rot in that cave....."
As the skull continues to rant, Chuck takes a hammer and smashes it. The Fourth Creator of Hyrule's soul is sent back to the cave.
A Legendary SwordEdit
Chuck and Link take a moment to realize what they will be up against.
"We are going to be fighting the power of Comedy. Its unruly and uncontrollable nature will be even a test for Ganon. We must reforge a mighty sword to stop him and the insane powers of the Fourth God. This is the exact sword that the Gods used to destroy the Triforce of Comedy. I have prepared a list of artifacts that my people hid across Hyrule, so that if need arose, the Hero would come and reforge the Sacred Blade."
Chuck hands Link the list. It reads the Artifacts and their locations:
- The Acerbic Tongue- Temple of the Sheikah
- The Judgemental Eye- The Endless Library
- The Essence of Sarcasm- Unknown
- The Face of Stone- The Barracks of the Darknut
"I have marked the locations of them on your map. The first artifact, the Acerbic Tongue, is hidden deep within the confines of The Temple of the Sheikah. However, to enter the Temple, you must acquire the four Statues of Opening, located throughout Kakariko Village. Now go! The Sword must be reforged!"
Armed with his boomerang, whip, and broken sword, Link sets off to find the four statues.
The Temple of the SheikahEdit
Link eventually finds the four statues, a very tedious and monotonous adventure that takes forever, and opens the Temple. Link uses the Eye of Truth to make his way through the temple's illusions, and his whip for the pitfalls and what-not. He makes his way to a circular chamber, in the middle of which is a floating metal object in the shape of a mouth-- The Acerbic Tongue.
"Who dares enter the chamber of The Acerbic Tongue? How dare you disturb my infinite slumber, you dull, weasel-faced pig!!!"
The Tongue soon realizes that it is the Hero of Time.
"AH! The Hero! Perhaps you will be a worthy master for me. But first, you must defeat me in a contest! But this is no ordinary contest, it is a......"
The backround fades into a building top, surrounded by people dressed like gangsters.
"Yo' Mama Competition!!!"
The Tongue throws insult after insult at Link, but because Link never knew his mother, he is impervious to The Acerbic Tongue's rants. Soon, the metal mouth gets tired out, and straightens out into a thin piece of metal. Link and the Tongue are transported back to Chuck.
The Library (now with even more chaos!)Edit
"Very good. Now I will teach you the abilities of the Acerbic Tongue. If one speaks an insult into it, The Tongue will be able to launch that insult out as a powerful attack. The better the insult, the more powerful the attack. The Acerbic Tongue can be used as a sword as well, so you won't be needing that broken piece of garbage," Chuck indicates Link's broken sword.
"The Judgemental Eye must be found next. It was hidden deep within the Endless Library, an infinite collection of printed knowledge. However, ill fortune befell the Eye, and its power was taken from it by an evil that now resides in the Library. You must retrieve the Eye and restore its powers." Chuck marks the location of the Endless Library on Link's map, "Go forth, Hero, and restore the Eye to its former glory!"
Link journeys to the place indicated on his map: a small library in the middle of Hyrule Castle town. Must have changed ownership since they hid the Eye, thinks Link. When Link enters, though, it appears as a gargantuan place of vast learning filled with an amazing amount of tomes of learning and...... you really don't care, do you? Anyway, Link enters the Library, searching through each aisle and section, but he cannot find the Eye. But soon, after he finds the item of the dungeon, The Card Catalog, he is able to find the book, Eyes of Judgement, by Fredrick Cheapwaytoprogessthroughthispartofthestory. Inside, Link finds a red orb, with a faint glow emitting from the center.
It is the Judgemental Eye!
Suddenly, the Acerbic Tongue jerks forward towards the Eye. Link places them on the ground, and they immediatly move towards eachother. After they make contact, they float into the air, the Eye above the Tongue (much like a cyclops). The Tongue speaks:
"I am the Judgemental Eye. Using the powers of the Acerbic Tongue, I am able to communicate in your form of speech.I have little power left, though, so I will have to make it quick. My powers were stolen from me by an evil that resides here in the Library. Instead of returning the correct book, someone returned a book so vile that it is impossible to look upon without feeling emmense pain. Since I was unable to pull my gaze away from it, it sucked my powers dry. You must return my powers, so that we may reforge the sacred sword!"
The Eye and The Tongue drop to the ground, and Link picks them up. He begins to search for this "Book Of Evil".
After much searching, Link comes across a place where the bookshelves are in a circular pattern. Link makes his way through this small maze, and after coming to the center, he sees a large book placed on a pedestal. Link grips the Acerbic Tongue tightly, knowing full well that this is the evil book the Eye mentioned. Suddenly, the book flies open, and inside.... OPTICAL ILLUSIONS!!!! Link squints his eyes, trying hard to look away, but alas, he cannot. However, due to Link's pain, his balance is affected, and he trips. The Tongue flies through the air and into the book, severing the spine. The Optical Illusion Book falls apart, leaving a white light in it's place. The Eye floats out of Link's Infinite Bag O' StuffTM (the place where Link keeps his items) and makes contact with the light. The Eye enlarges and turns from red to white. An iris and pupil form at the center. Link holds the Tongue out so the Eye can speak:
"Thank you, Hero, for giving my sight back. Even though you may have ratty clothes, your hair is out of style, and you can't speak, you have my eternal gratitude."
The Eye and Tongue go back into Link's inventory, and he is teleported out of the Library.
Holy Giant Knights, Batman!Edit
Link returns to Chuck at Kakariko Village. He finds Chuck standing over a large map upon a table.
"I don't get it," mutters Chuck, "How could something so heavily guarded just disappear?"
Chuck hears Link enter, and beckons him to look at the map.
"As you know, we do not know where the Essence of Sarcasm is. After we hid it within the Swamp of 1,000 Trials, it disappeared from its hiding spot. Many Sheikah thought it was stolen, but others believed that nobody but the Hero would be able to find it. The result of the feud makes me the very last of the Sheikah..." Chuck pauses for a moment, contemplating whether he should be sad for his people, or stupid for fighting over such an idiotic thing. "Anyway, we have no idea where it could be, so we might as well just move on to the Barracks of the Darknut, where the Face of Stone is kept. This is the most dangerous of the hiding places for all of the Darknuts in the world live here when they are not on duty. I will accompany you on this journey, for you will die if you go alone."
Chuck throws down a Deku Nut, and in a flash, he and Link are standing in front of a giant, metal compound. Large doors guard the compound, and there are many Darknuts patroling the area. Chuck leads Link to a group of bushes, where he formulates a plan to infiltrate the base. Suddenly, a large force of Darknuts pours out from the Barracks. Chuck is startled, and grabs Link's arm. He throws another Deku Nut, and they are warped back to Kakariko Village.
"I can't believe they knew we were coming..." mumbles Chuck, "We will never be able to reforge the Sword..."
Chuck goes to one of the corners of his room, sits down, and begins to slit his wrists. Link, on the other hand, has not lost all hope. He walks up to chuck, and slaps him in the face. Chuck realizes what Link is trying to say,
"You're right, Link, we must keep fighting, for the Dark Lord will surely prevail if we do not continue to our quest. Therefore, I must go to the next level of Sheikah training."
(This was not what Link had in mind at all, if you're wondering. He was thinking something along the lines of moving to Termina or something instead of being emo. By now, Link is pretty much fed up with the adventuring business)
Chuck begins to meditate, starts to float, and begins to work out on his Total GymTM. In a flash of light, he appears in a different form, the final phase of the Sheikah Fighting Style: Walker, Texas Ranger!!!
Holy Giant Knights Batman!!! (part deaux)Edit
Chuck (or as he will now be known as, Walker) descends to the ground, the air around him fizzing and crackling due to his emmense strength, enough to rival that of the Triforce of Power. Walker speaks:
"I have just now called upon the aid of my ancestors, transforming myself into the most powerful of all Sheikah, and by doing so, have learned the final and most deadly of all sheikah techniques: the Round-House Kick. Though it would benefit you greatly, I cannot teach you it, for you are not one of the Sheikah, but I can still aid you in your quest."
Instead of throwing a Deku Nut, Walker grabs the head of the nearest generic person, and hurls it to the ground. In a flash, he and Link are teleported to the Barracks AGAIN. Instead of plotting the a way in, Walker runs out and starts kicking the crap out of every Darknut he sees. After 5 seconds, the battalion of Darknuts guarding the entrance is vanquished, allowing Link and Walker to enter. The remaining Darknuts that Link and Walker come across disperse and run, for they fear the great powers of the Sheikah.
After a while, the dynamic duo comes across a large chamber. Suddenly, a cage of strange light encases Walker. He cannot break through, which is impossible considering that he is Walker Texas Ranger, thus creating a hole in the fabric of space, sucking Walker into it. In other words, Walker gets sucked into a black hole, never to be seen again.
A giant Darknut falls from the ceiling, and instead of a visor, it's a rock in the shape of a face. The Face of Stone!!! The Large Darknut swings his sword at Link, but Link dodges it, and notices a strange object in the corner of the room. He goes over to it, and realizes it's a giant hammer. He picks it up, and the Darknut swings his sword again. Link uses the hammer to smash the large sword. The Darknut looks at his shattered blade, and the Face of Stone falls off, to reveal a Muscular man's face, except the man is crying, and he runs off to grieve the loss of his big sword. Link picks up the Face of Stone, and he is warped back to Kakariko Village.
The Man of Many Insults (don't worry, kids, he don't bite!)Edit
Link informs the people of Kakariko Village that their beloved Sheikah leader, Chuck/Walker, died in the Barracks of the Darknut. A funeral is held, although there was no body to pay respects to. Suddenly, as Link passes by the empty coffin, a portal opens up above the casket, and out from it steps the original Chuck (without his amazing Texas Ranger powers). Amazed as everyone is, Chuck and Link have important business to attend to, so Chuck once again throws a Deku Nut down, and warps him and Link back to his house.
"I'm sorry I took so long," says Chuck, "I was warped to a different dimension, in which I spent many years, but that is another story. But now, we must focus on the task at hand. We still need to find the Essence of Sarcasm before we can reforge the Sword. We do not know where it is, so I suggest we split up and look for it."
Link agrees, and the two start scouring the land of Hyrule for the final part of the sword. While in Hyrule Castle Town, Link comes across a man who insults people as they walk by. Link confronts this man, who only says,
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the mute boy dressed in green who comes to save the day. Hoo-ray, I feel soooo safe. Maybe you can get my puppy from out of a tree, or start a charity while you're at it. It would be right up your alley."
Just then, Link realizes that the man is oozing sarcasm (metaphrically and physically), and takes one of his bottles, and collects it all. Suddenly, the man begins to compliment everyone in a nice manner, and goes home. Link takes the Essence of Sarcasm back to Kakariko Village.
>epic music< A Sword Reforged >epic music<Edit
Link finds Chuck waiting for him back at the Village (how he knew how Link got the Essence of Sarcasm, we'll never know. It's just another thing Nintendo does in their games). Chuck leads Link up Death Mountain, where they stand on the edge of the crater.
"Now Link! Throw the Artifacts into the lava of Death Mountain!" commands Chuck. After Link does so, a pillar of the magma shoots up into the air and disintigrates. Link looks into the now empty crater and sees a sword jutting out of the middle of it. He goes down, pulls it out, and holds it over his head.
"We have done it!" says Chuck, "I now proclaim you, Link, the rightful wielder of the Sword of the Critic!!!"
Link sheathes his new sword, and Chuck gives him a silver bow and quiver.
"This is the Silver Bow and Arrow. I doubt you will need this, but this is an ancient weapon that was used to defeat a fearsome enemy. I discovered this while I journeyed through the cosmos. I will bestow it upon you, but only as a last resort. You will notice there is only one arrow in the quiver, and there is a locking mechanism keeping it in place. It will only open when you have no other way to defeat Ganon, as there is only one arrow, but there is little chance of that when you have the Sword of the Critic."
Link straps the Bow and Arrow to his back and sets off for Hyrule Castle, for he neglected to check up on Zelda since the beginning, and is probably captured anyway.
Towns, Castles, and DragonsEdit
Link comes back to Hyrule Castle Town, to only find it a dilapidated mess. The streets are deserted, the buildings are falling apart, and a strange one-eyed man is trying to sell ghosts ("They are good for your soul! Hehehehe, pun..."). Link makes his way to Hyrule Castle, when suddenly, a roar echoes throughout the town. A dragon drops down from the sky. VOLVAGIA!
Link takes out the hammer he obtained from the barracks, and Volvagia recalls the traumatic moment when Link played "Whack-A-Dragon" with him. He runs away to live a peaceful life consisting of reading at home and giant tofu replicas of Gorons.
Link enters Hyrule Castle, and finds the guards shivering on the ground. They do not appear afraid, though. On the contrary, they are dying of laughter! The power of the Triforce of Comedy has left them unable to move or think rationally! Link hurries to the top of the castle, because even though it would be wise to check every room, Ganon tends to hide in the top of his hideouts. Link gets to the top of the castle, to find Ganondwarf sitting on a large stone chair, with Princess Zelda tied up in the corner. The final battle begins!
Link Kicks ButtEdit
Ganondwarf climbs off his throne (Yes, climbs. The guy is two feet tall for Christ's sake) and proceeds to walk toward Link, all the while, the Triforces of Power, Wisdom, and Comedy are revolving around his head. Although he has acquired three of the pieces of the Triforce, he seems a bit.... off. His hair is unkempt, his clothes are a bit tattered, his mouth is contorted into an insane smile, and his eyes are filled with lunacy.
"You have done well to get here, Hero of Time. It is too bad that you will have to DIE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
The tiny Dark Lord makes the three Pieces of the Triforce merge together, and by doing so, he morphs into a groetesque, hog-like beast (he keeps his size, though). Dark energy begins to collect around him. Link unsheathes his sword, and the two begin to charge at eachother. After Link knocks over the small sorcerer, Ganon pulls out a giant golden club from thin air, and proceeds to beat the crap out of Link. As they fight, the floor lowers down into a different room, and the two find themselves on a platform surrounded by darkness. Suddenly, Ganon knocks the Sword of the Critic from Link's hands, and the blade falls into the darkness. Link tries to catch it, but it disappears into the bottomless pit.
"FOOL! Now there is nothing that will be able to defeat me! Your life is over!"
Ganon changes back into Ganondwarf, as Link pulls out the Silver Bow and Arrow. As Link draws the string, Ganon fires a ray of light from the Triforce of Comedy, and the Silver Arrow changes into a bouquet of flowers.
"What?!" cries Ganondwarf, "It was supposed to have morphed into a venomous snake! What is wrong with the God-forsaken Triforce? Why have I not been able to control it?!"
As Ganondwarf babbles on, Link looks into the bouquet, and finds another Sword of the Critic! By this time, Ganondwarf has completely forgotten that Link even exists, and is arguing with himself. Link runs at Ganondwarf, and shoves his new blade through the villain (Link goes through lots of déjà vu at this moment). As he does so, the Lost Triforce breaks into three.
Ganon falls to the ground, dead.
The room raises back up, and Link frees Zelda. The broken Triforce of Comedy flies to the center of the room and reforms itself.
"It is amazing what the power of comedy will do to a man," says Zelda, "It has twisted many into strange beasts, not unlike what happened to the Dark Lord. We must seal it away like the Goddesses did all those many years ago."
As Zelda speaks, Link starts walking towards the golden triangle, and proceeds to slowly reach out to grab it.
"We must permanently destroy it this time," continues Zelda, "so nobody is able to... Link? What are you doing?"