This fan-fiction is made by me, JesseRoo. Just so you know it's humour.

Chapter 1 - An Epic Journey Edit

One day, Zelda found a note on the ground outside Hyrule Castle. It read:

  • I am being taken away by GandelfGanon
  • If you find this
  • Help me and by the way I was rushing, you would be too if you were about to get kidnapped
  • Abraham Linkoln

Zelda assumes this to be Link, and as such she asks the king for a good horse (and cake for when she returns) and sets out across Hyrule Field. Along the way she passes Link and Epona, the two say hi and stop for a chat, then they both keep going. Zelda randomly says "My spidey-senses are tingling" while she was in the middle of nowhere. Afterwards, she finds a massive cave in the way, and sees a sign pointing around the cave that says "Go here to skip the cave as well as the ultimately powerful boss". Just then, Link came. "The king told me to come with you" he said. "Oh. Seeing as there's two ways to go, let's split up". "I think I'll go the way to skip the ultimately powerful boss" Zelda said. "I'll go through the cave" Link said. As Zelda walked down the path, a massive spike pit opened up in front of her which she barely avoided. She turned around to go the other way when another one opened. "Oh yay" she said.

Chapter 2 - The Ultimately Powerful Boss Edit

Zelda saw a little hole in the side of the cave. She looked through, and saw Link. "Hello, ultimately powerful boss?" he shouted out. "Tingle Tingle Kooloo Limpah!" a ghastly voice echoed through the cave. "Oh, hi Tingle" Link said and kept walking. Suddenly, a Skull Kid jumped from the roof. "Hi! I'm gonna be the boss, because the real one's out on vacation to Termina" he said. "Okay. What's the strategy for beating you?" Link asked. "Well, first you gotta stun me with the boomerang, then run around and slice me from behind, then you gotta... wait!" Skull Kid said. "What is it?" Link asked. "My fly is undone" Skull Kid said and his cheeks went red. "Well, anyway, as I was saying..." Skull Kid continued. "Wait! Why don't we just do Rock, Paper, Scissors?" asked Link. "Good idea!"

Skull Kid chose rock, and Link chose paper. Suddenly, a massive boulder appeared in Skull Kid's hands. "Booyah!" he shouted. Link had a piece of paper materialise in his hands. Link threw the paper at the boulder, and it just bounced off. "Ha!" Skull Kid shouted. Suddenly, his boulder started cracking and collapsed on him. "Ow" he said from under the rubble. Next round, Skull Kid chose scissors and Link chose rock. Link had a boulder, and Skull Kid had a pair of scissors. Skull Kid put the scissors up in a defensive pose, but then Link threw the boulder at him and crushed him. A muffled sound came out from underneath the boulder. Link watched as Skull Kid randomly exploded and he grabbed a Heart Orange Juice Container. Link walked out the end of the cave, and Zelda took a step forward too but fell into the spike pit. "Ow" she said.

Chapter 3 - The Really Fast Running River Edit

After Link got Zelda out using his Hookshot, the two continued on until they found a river called The Really Fast Running River. "I know! I'll get my raft from hammerspace!" Link said. He opened his bag, and suddenly, a million things from toothbrushes to black holes fell out of his bag. "Umm... let me see..." Link said and began to look through his stuff. After an hour, Link found it. "Now let's put this stuff back in there" he said. After another hour, they were all ready to cross the river. They put the raft on the water, but it suddenly snapped in half. "I want my mummy!" Link cried and started banging his head on a tree from the loss of his precious raft. Zelda had the great idea to use Link as a boat, so she grabbed him and put him in the water but he suddenly snapped in half. Zelda got on and started paddling across the river, until they started heading downstream towards a waterfall. Rather than scream, they stayed completely calm.

As they hit the water, Link's stomach got hit so hard it turned red for a million days to come. The two swam to shore, and found the Everlastingly Long Forest of Everlastingly Long Puzzles of Everlastingly Long Pain to your Everlastingly Small Brain. Link nicknamed it the Everlastingly Confusingly Named Forest. The two proceeded through, until they found a circus. The two watched the performances but the Ringmaster saw Link and thought he would be a good clown. To test it out, they would get Link to do stuff and see if Zelda would laugh. Link stood still and Zelda started laughing so hard she stopped breathing and tears rolled down her eyes. The two got hired for the circus, and set off with the rest of the clowns to get to their next show. With their small rubber ducky boat, all 20 of the clowns travelled up the waterfall and arrived in the Desert Where People Actually Live. They threw a show for the Gerudo, but they didn't like them so they threw apples at the clowns. Link and Zelda ran away to get to the Large Tower in The Desert.

Chapter 4 - The Large Tower Is In The DesertEdit

The two entered the tower for some reason, but got attacked by mice. Link started screaming, but Zelda, being smart, busted out some rat killer and saved the day. After climbing the tower, when they were near the top they founder some sand with a massive skeletal head in the middle. Zelda saw a staircase against the wall while Link went to investigate the massive skull. As Zelda climbed to the top of the tower, she looked down and saw a massive skeleton creature attacking Link. "Hurry up, slowpoke!" Zelda yelled. When she got to the top, she found a mirror and thought it was a good time to do her hair. After a while, she got bored and suddenly discovered some old people sent Ganondorf into the mirror. Zelda decided to go in too, and ended up in the Tuesday Realm which is covered in an unnatural Tuesday.

Zelda managed to find Ganondorf. "I'm sorry Zelda, but your president is in another castle". Ganondorf said. "What?" Zelda asked. "Your president, you know, Abraham Lincoln". "No, I'm looking for Link" she said. "Really? Sorry, I can't help you there". Zelda went back out the mirror and back to the Large Tower in the Desert, where Link had finally made it up. "Where do we go now?" Link asked. "Back down the tower" Zelda said. "But that thing's still alive!" Link shouted. "Oh well" Zelda said and began going down the stairs. She walked along the edge of the platform, while the monster was in the middle, where he couldn't reach her. Link decided to walk straight across the sand, but got eaten by it.

Chapter 5 - The Stuff at a Mountain Edit

Zelda exited the tower and saw Link get vomited out by the monster. "Let's climb the Unusually High Mountain" Zelda said. The two made it to the mountain, where some girl dressed up as a yeti was trying to eat a fish. "Fish are good eat" she said. "Try yes?" she asked. "Sure!" Link said and took a bite, and all of his teeth cracked. "I' goo'" he said. They continued up the mountain and found a yeti who liked snowboarding. Link decided to try too, but Zelda pushed him over and snowboarded with him as the board. Eventually they made it to The Massive House in the Mountain. At the Massive House in the Mountain, some yeti was making food to eat. Link stole some which made the Yeti's wife become extremely angry and transform into a massive ice beast. Zelda decided to throw some cooked stew at her which melted her. She dropped a Slapping Fish and a Heart Orange Juice Container. As they exited the house, Link stocked up on Orange Juice which they would need in their quest to rescue Link.

Chapter 6 - Saving Lincoln, Finally Edit

Zelda and Link arrived at Extremely Large Dungeon Which is Probably the Last One. There, they fought various creatures such as spiders, turtles and bunny rabbits until they reached the miniboss, the Happy Mask Salesman! He tried selling them stupid masks, but Link wasted money by buying one called the "Purple Mask", which was purple. Eventually, Zelda decided to walk past him to beat him and in exchange they gained the Glass Slippers, which crack if you try walking in them. Link tried them on, however, and they fit perfectly! He transformed into Cinderella, and lived happily ever after. Zelda, meanwhile, managed to reach the final boss, a Giant Tomato. She ate it whole, and found an Heart Orange Juice Container! She then found Link, waiting for her to rescue him. "Oh Link! I've rescued you!" she said. "No you haven't" he said. "For I am..." Link took a mask off and revealed that he was really Abraham Lincoln! "Gasp" Zelda said. "Oh well, now I can go live a simple life with Cinderella" he said and ran off to Cinderella and they lived happily ever after.

Chapter 7 - Returning Home Edit

Zelda exited the Extremely Large Dungeon Which is Probably the Last One, travelled through The Massive House in the Mountain, went down the Unusually High Mountain, travelled past the Large Tower in The Desert, through the Desert Where People Actually Live, saw the Everlastingly Long Forest of Everlastingly Long Puzzles of Everlastingly Long Pain to your Everlastingly Small Brain while she travelled across The Really Fast Running River, travelled though the cave with an Ultimately Powerful Boss and arrived back at Hyrule Castle, where she discovered: the cake is a lie.

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